ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
