The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
