he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
