I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
