You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
