On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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