I want to walk on stilts...naked
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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