i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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