I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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