I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
