also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
