and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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