Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
should my penis look like a turkey
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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