In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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