there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
