duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
