i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize