I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
