My hand turned me down
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
sex in a hospital.. check
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
