I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
