They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize