I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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