Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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