So drunk its hurt
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
