someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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