so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
