I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize