i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
