I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
