best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
