We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
