I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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