I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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