Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
