The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize