hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize