I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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