I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
