Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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