If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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