are you so shy because you have an std?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
