I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
