Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
