I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
