Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
