The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
