the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
