I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
