i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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