I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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