I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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