My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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