stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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