dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
