it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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