I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
