im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
