so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
