Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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