I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
