yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize