1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
