just tell him i said nine months
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
