hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
