Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
